Tuesday, 30 August 2016

guilt tripping

Tuesday, 30 August 2016 13:33
like guilttripping me into what you want me to do is such bs like youre all tell me if you want to and then you kept saying i will go even though i dont want to and this is not about me like this is about you telling me im piece of shit when i don't have work cause apparently i'm worthless when i don't make money and like trying to guiltrip me into doing shit i dont want to and telling me its not polite not to go even though you did thing behind my back and didn't bother to inform me is the rudest shit ever but obv you wouldnt see that cause when you think its alright to call me piece of shit and threatening me and making me feel unsafe like if i dont make money than i cant live in this house and shit like that its not like its new you were saying this shit since i was like sixteen and then you were surprised that i feel unsafe and that im afraid i wont have anywhere to live but now youre back to the same old shit and maybe if you tried to care about me and how i feel for ten minutes and maybe if you started to care about me in general maybe than i wont be so lost and i would know what to do but when i told you how i felt increadibly intimate stuff about my depression you just said you didnt understand and in the next sec you told me i was making it up and that my feeling cant be real/because you said so?? its like youre not even trying to understand me because you dont want to hear that youre mad at my depression and not me and my autism and not me but obv you dont want to hear that no because im the bad one in this somehow even though youre doing this shit to me while calling me a piece of shit because i dont have a job like how does that make any sense do i worth for you only if i make money so you can take the money like why the hell did you even had a kid in the first place and like keep telling me im nothing and cant do shit and shut up because you dont go to work im?????? and youre not feeling what you said youre feeling because you laugh and you smile you just had a breakdown... i dont care about your shit either but you keep telling me but guess what i dont think youre worth anything when you treat me like that and than act like i was the one who is doing everything wrong and is therefore worthless and maybe youre the piece of shit because you cant bring yourself to be nice to me for no reason and im honestly done with your emotional manipulation cause youre pretending youre trying to understand me just to shout at me and calling me worthless again the moment i dont do what you want me to do well guess what im not the insane one here its not like i feel bad enough already you must keep getting it worse and you pretended that everythings gonna be alright and now youre threatring me about the exact same thing basically saying do what i want or you will suffer you cant even imagine how badly you will suffer if you wont do what im telling you to do and then you say to do whatever i wont and it goes all over again and i honestly dont know if youre doing it on purpose or not but i couldnt care less because you're just trying to make me feel even worse about myself than i already do so i just would do whatever the fuck you want me to and you could tell me that you were telling me from the start and when i would tell you i hate the job you would tell me i just think i do but i actually love it or some shit like that because you always do that always and i dont know what im gonna do but at least im not trying to guilttrip you into shit and also telling me that my depression will somehow dissapear once i have a job is bs and you fucking know it or maybe you dont but thats not the point, the point is that even though you keep saying ill feel better when i have a job you also keep telling me i dont actually feel bad and idk how does that make any sense to you whatsoever but youve never seem to have a problem with two things that condradict each other the only important thing for you is you and your opinion and money thats all you fucking care about and not me or my feelings or maybe the fact that i want to kill myself and you know it and i mention it all the time and the only thing you say is that im an idiot youre not even trying to make me feel better and honestly i have nowhere to go and you should care i mean you woudnt even care if i died would you you keep saying you love me but you dont if you loved me you would care more about me than about the money i make if you loved me you would care more about me wanting to kill myself than me not having a job if you loved me you would listen to me if you loved me you would care how i feel if you loved me you wont keep shouting at me and telling me im worthless and piece of shit and "thinking far too much about myself" because apparently i dont feel bad enough for you and im scared and i need help but the only thing you care about if i go to work and make money and thats just not enough ive been crying for hours now and you dont care and honestly its sad that there are ppl who seemed to care about me more than you even though they hardly knew me and if i werent stupid and said that i wanted to kill myself some teacher back at school i may have already get the help i need but because of the way you keep treating me i kept pushing myself and the feelings i have arent normal and its not ok i should feel better like why do you want me to feel miserable or do you just not care at all how i feel as far as ill give you money? if you at least stop pretending and stop telling me you love me you dont you fucking dont this is not love, you dont love me, you love just yourself and your precious money and yourself again

October 2016

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