sunnylovestoby: (Default)
2016-09-04 02:45 pm
Entry tags:

life is void

is it? could it be? about as real as south america, not until you see it, i suppose.
life is void and we are nothing but we are nothing but we are nothing BUT? there is no objection. there is just void. meaningless and we are trying to give it order, they say. but what kind of order is this? it is even more meaningless than the original void. money and things, nobody thinks before they speak. how is that any sort of order? i should talk to professionals, mother said. proffesionals who will send me to an institude to scream less loudly. to an institude to die more quietly. to an institude to be less powerfull as i can be. but they can make everything even worse. they can go deeper than hell. emptier than void. much worse than the original plan of the universe.

after ages i saw k. she was her usual self. very unlike me. i always have to pretend i'm like others, that i do things, that i fancy someone, that i think about my future, that i care, et cetera. she doesn't have to pretend. mostly talked about medi. as predicted. maybe even more than predicted. i was embarassing. she hugged me before leaving. i didn't feel anything. it scares me because i think i should feel something when ppl are hugging me. it should be reassuring or something like that, eh? but no. i was just standing there. she thinks she's special, she said i can do it for her, meaning the hug, but it's not like she gave me a choice, if she was a man i would be afraid of her, the fact is though that she probs thinks i find it annoying or awkward she probably thinks that i feel something and that's why i don't like hugging, but it's the rather opossite. maybe i am autistic after all. it would make sense. my whole life is one big stimming. i don't care about anything else. the thing i was worried about didnt come out as such an issue, i mean it was worse than i expected but i felt so empty than it didnt matter whatsoever and mother told me i was overdramatic because i was anxious but during the actual thing i didnt feel anything, looking on the piles of papers and horrible old rug and the awful sticky things old people are "decorationg" their windows with. the old woman i was talking to, ok she wasnt that old, but she was really dumb, i mean she was stupid as hell, i had to talk to her like to a four year old and if i didn't she acted like i was the stupid one, it was so annoying and mother told me i was overdramatic when i complained about this, like yes, i know you told me it is going to be demeaning but that was much more than just demeaning.

anyways the days are all alike and im not even reading anymore, i used to love it, at least i think so, and now its all mstrbtng and eating in fact, its not like i have to hear about thethingwedonttalkabout all the time, actually its really thethingidontwanttotalkabout than anything else.

in the end i guess, well i think that the mrx--st/tmblr_user is right and its kinda calming to know that, its actualy really calming, it maybe the best thing that have happened to me, much better than all the social interactions i have been pushed into, like the three days in a row thing that they have right now and k keeps ascing me to go but thats literally the silliest thing tm like why would i want to do that to cook by ourselves she shaid and be together before we leave to uni but the thing is, you see, that i_dontgotouni.jpg and that sucks.jgif like im gonna probs do some moanual now cause thats easiest to get and what if they wont let me do that i would have to go back to the dehumanizing station to tell them why the hell i dont participate in this postcapitalist nightmare and ill have to say it and i dont even have anything to say? lmao.png quite honestly last time they asked me if im gonna go to uni andlike her face what something between questionmark and like a wtf face at least i think so im not good at it, who am i kidding i didnt notice her expression at all, even though i stared directly at her, hello autism, where have you been, actually ive been here your ewhole life you just didnt bother to notice bitch come on!! .exe

is this helping me or am i doing this for the attention of the audience of noone if i did whould it change something nobody from the capitalist nightmare responded in the proper way, yeah and the mathythingy that made me lie so i was crying for like an hour or so or the thingthatmotherwantedmetopushinto .fcky[up]ou brb in hell(tm) let me enjoy my special interest again, let me enjoy reading, writing where did it go and will it ever come back or is it just the depression blowing from the rooftops of nothingness and she keeps talking about work helping but it wont im calling it out now shes still sthe samefckbitchbutivealready_talked about it_previously.sowhateverthefuck//
sunnylovestoby: (Default)
2016-08-05 02:07 pm

the g/person enigma

honestly it's far more realistic to have an imaginary relationship w/ constructed criticism on daily basis/uni au/contemporary rich posh/poetry n all that jazz etc than trying to built real stuff based basically on bullying phrases and offended facial expressions since that is actually how i communicate. it's a shame? yes. is it going to stop me? no fuckin way.

but the real(tm) problem is: /dramatic pause/ not having any personality whatsoever and let me tell you if you think this is borderline maybe you're right or i'm just borderline boring and mean, let's be real. so since i've got just one more or less functioning label it's pretty hard to keep going despite losing interest in every.single.bloody.thing.i've.ever.enjoyed. apart from staring into the blue light and pretending i'm feeling emotions apart from anxiety and disgust, which is pretty hard, considering i'm not usually entirely sure what i am supposed to feel.

and in this void i'm living in it's v depressing that i'm never gonna be/do/see the stuff i've daydreamed about ever since. and though it's not like i've ever believed it will actually happened, i guess i didn't think it through much and also i though it would be at least pretty close to the original objective, so you could say i props have the lowest iq you've ever seen in your life. i'm such a naive asshole it's astonishing. but anyways... i'll probably end up on the twelf h & i can tell you beforehand it -will- suck, or worse //i'm not quite sure what it will be but it will be horrible, let me tell ya(!) so what i don't want to be. /that's it, no punchline, i don't wanna be, i don't wanna exist at all, it's not worth it, as they say./

actually i've read some stuff about how life is worth living and all that, it was all bs, every single word was bs. does anybody actually live w/ happiness or is it just rich ppl who can afford that, also do ppl really think that if you like coffee you can't possibly kill yourself because you can't drink any good coffee once your dead? do they seriously think you gonna stay alive because of something that stupid? like yeah sure, once you're dead no coffee, but also no anything, you feel me? that's the objective. the ultimate goal. sounds magnificent, am i right? talking about this you may say: ha, but you're alive, aren't ya you pretentious asshole? true. but why? idk, honestly? im most probs too lazy to do so, it really takes great afford, you have to -do stuff- in order to achieve this ultimate goal and honestly?? sounds exhausting.

i haven't written anything in ages plus i'm starting to think i never will ever again. which is terrifying thought considering that it was always the only thing that ever made me happy /well not happy-commercial-on-coke-happy, but alright/ i actually think that that's the main reason why every day is so dull, because i don't enjoy anything anymore, at least no so much as i should, i mean there are things that i don't hate, but that's not enough? idk it's so close to the edge to think about this and once again googling fcking suicide songs like emo teenager wth is wrong w/ me? there we go once again, what's next, let me tell you i don't want to go back to the edgy emo thirteen y. o. am i better now? no, i'm just different, grumpy and old and everything hurts, it hurts to get up in the morning, it takes me twenty mins to dress, it takes me ages to go to make my bloody coffee, etc, i oversleep and then i can't sleep and then i oversleep obviously once again it's not like i didn't know this is not-ok(tm)

it's three months now, nobody bothered obviously i didn't either because what do i tell 'em? congrats on having a life? lol and the very thing i just now checked his instababble is the ultimate proof i should seek help. also since i have time to think (i can't recommend it) i struggle w/ things i though i knew about myself since i did the sillytestythingy; eight percent male gender and nineteen percent female gender, that means my gender is on twentyseven percenti do not think that's what would society approve of; anyways it explains a lot like the fact that i hatehatehate wearing skirts or dresses and shit and like not even mr arrogantcisgayknowsitall will ever make me think otherwise and same goes w/ the gooeymakeupyshit that is somehow expected from me to wear even though guys don't have to? im so angry all the time, but this makes me want to kill a guy, probs the arrogantknowitallprick i've mentioned earlier, i'm also bitter about this prick since he has better life opportunities that i could ever even dream of like?? not fair he barely speaks english? like i would deserve it so much more than him? low selfesteem where? back to gender shit. the thing is that eight and nineteen is so accurate it hurts because the results says androgynous but that does not fit, or does it? how would i know? but also both of those numbers are apparently -very low- which does not sound good, but that's not much of a problem because that is no exactly something that would directly affect my life.

this does though: here we go, my rosechampagneandshit orientation, i mean in theory yes, mr insta, but also i would probably die if that ever worked out, not that it ever had the slightest chance, i mean in like au or something like this, anyways not worth thinking about because literally imposible. now is it precedent or not? how would i know? nobody ever tried to tell me something nice? lol. so probs i shouldn't think about it too hard since it won't matter in the end, i mean nobody will ever try to flirt w/ me right? so why bother? i mean i'd like a gentlemanbestfriend, but that is also imposible(tm) realistically speaking i can only look forward to the ultimate solution and objective.
sunnylovestoby: (Default)
2016-07-26 02:37 pm
Entry tags:

real/ly

what is real/ly annoying though is my /pre-suicidal/ depression, which is closer to depersonalization-apathy-laziness-crazy-summer-mix. so there. even though i have to find the thing-we-dont-talk-about i'm not even trying. as in: why, it'll be useless anyways since exper. zero and streng. zero and thingstooffer zero, idek. and since the real(tm) problem is me, myself and i it's not even as if they got to give me a chance/opportunity/alternative reality to live in; anyways daydreaming goes good i suppose and the s4 looks good i mean idk yet but teaser is good yeah...

talking about teasing mr dodidooyouknowwho seems to be too busy to be on social media which makes me more nervous than anything else tbh / kinda sad considering i've got real things to deal w/ just yesterday that alcoholic bullshitery like ever, it's so bad even ma agrees w/ me & now i accidently watched a bit of house-acephobic ep; so why do i even care 'bout mr iwonteverseeuagain what the actual hell is the matter w/ me? that is the question, whether tis nobler to have a shitty thingwedonttalkabout or die in gutter or whatevs

also my spend a penny issue doesn't seem to be making much sense since there is no reason to have it and yet? i suspect my body is trying to die just as hard as my soul does that's why the teeth went to shit (i'm gonna have to go to deal w/ it i'm embarrassed beforehand) and also my so called face and also i didnt wash my hair for like three centuries but that's the dep(tm)shit i guess

my freelicencelifestyle does not work, i repeat, does not, i haven't written anything for so long i dont remember the last time i think my will to live has extincted, im just starring at the screen-im not even reading anymore like idk if this is dep(tm) or just idleness either way it sucks since im not productive in any creative way whatsoever so who cares if my body is shutting down and my life goes to hell; no wonder im slowly giving up