[personal profile] sunnylovestoby
is it? could it be? about as real as south america, not until you see it, i suppose.
life is void and we are nothing but we are nothing but we are nothing BUT? there is no objection. there is just void. meaningless and we are trying to give it order, they say. but what kind of order is this? it is even more meaningless than the original void. money and things, nobody thinks before they speak. how is that any sort of order? i should talk to professionals, mother said. proffesionals who will send me to an institude to scream less loudly. to an institude to die more quietly. to an institude to be less powerfull as i can be. but they can make everything even worse. they can go deeper than hell. emptier than void. much worse than the original plan of the universe.

after ages i saw k. she was her usual self. very unlike me. i always have to pretend i'm like others, that i do things, that i fancy someone, that i think about my future, that i care, et cetera. she doesn't have to pretend. mostly talked about medi. as predicted. maybe even more than predicted. i was embarassing. she hugged me before leaving. i didn't feel anything. it scares me because i think i should feel something when ppl are hugging me. it should be reassuring or something like that, eh? but no. i was just standing there. she thinks she's special, she said i can do it for her, meaning the hug, but it's not like she gave me a choice, if she was a man i would be afraid of her, the fact is though that she probs thinks i find it annoying or awkward she probably thinks that i feel something and that's why i don't like hugging, but it's the rather opossite. maybe i am autistic after all. it would make sense. my whole life is one big stimming. i don't care about anything else. the thing i was worried about didnt come out as such an issue, i mean it was worse than i expected but i felt so empty than it didnt matter whatsoever and mother told me i was overdramatic because i was anxious but during the actual thing i didnt feel anything, looking on the piles of papers and horrible old rug and the awful sticky things old people are "decorationg" their windows with. the old woman i was talking to, ok she wasnt that old, but she was really dumb, i mean she was stupid as hell, i had to talk to her like to a four year old and if i didn't she acted like i was the stupid one, it was so annoying and mother told me i was overdramatic when i complained about this, like yes, i know you told me it is going to be demeaning but that was much more than just demeaning.

anyways the days are all alike and im not even reading anymore, i used to love it, at least i think so, and now its all mstrbtng and eating in fact, its not like i have to hear about thethingwedonttalkabout all the time, actually its really thethingidontwanttotalkabout than anything else.

in the end i guess, well i think that the mrx--st/tmblr_user is right and its kinda calming to know that, its actualy really calming, it maybe the best thing that have happened to me, much better than all the social interactions i have been pushed into, like the three days in a row thing that they have right now and k keeps ascing me to go but thats literally the silliest thing tm like why would i want to do that to cook by ourselves she shaid and be together before we leave to uni but the thing is, you see, that i_dontgotouni.jpg and that sucks.jgif like im gonna probs do some moanual now cause thats easiest to get and what if they wont let me do that i would have to go back to the dehumanizing station to tell them why the hell i dont participate in this postcapitalist nightmare and ill have to say it and i dont even have anything to say? lmao.png quite honestly last time they asked me if im gonna go to uni andlike her face what something between questionmark and like a wtf face at least i think so im not good at it, who am i kidding i didnt notice her expression at all, even though i stared directly at her, hello autism, where have you been, actually ive been here your ewhole life you just didnt bother to notice bitch come on!! .exe

is this helping me or am i doing this for the attention of the audience of noone if i did whould it change something nobody from the capitalist nightmare responded in the proper way, yeah and the mathythingy that made me lie so i was crying for like an hour or so or the thingthatmotherwantedmetopushinto .fcky[up]ou brb in hell(tm) let me enjoy my special interest again, let me enjoy reading, writing where did it go and will it ever come back or is it just the depression blowing from the rooftops of nothingness and she keeps talking about work helping but it wont im calling it out now shes still sthe samefckbitchbutivealready_talked about it_previously.sowhateverthefuck//

October 2016

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