Audovacar J. P. Gasttrin

honestly it's far more realistic to have an imaginary relationship w/ constructed criticism on daily basis/uni au/contemporary rich posh/poetry n all that jazz etc than trying to built real stuff based basically on bullying phrases and offended facial expressions since that is actually how i communicate. it's a shame? yes. is it going to stop me? no fuckin way.

but the real(tm) problem is: /dramatic pause/ not having any personality whatsoever and let me tell you if you think this is borderline maybe you're right or i'm just borderline boring and mean, let's be real. so since i've got just one more or less functioning label it's pretty hard to keep going despite losing interest in every.single.bloody.thing.i've.ever.enjoyed. apart from staring into the blue light and pretending i'm feeling emotions apart from anxiety and disgust, which is pretty hard, considering i'm not usually entirely sure what i am supposed to feel.

and in this void i'm living in it's v depressing that i'm never gonna be/do/see the stuff i've daydreamed about ever since. and though it's not like i've ever believed it will actually happened, i guess i didn't think it through much and also i though it would be at least pretty close to the original objective, so you could say i props have the lowest iq you've ever seen in your life. i'm such a naive asshole it's astonishing. but anyways... i'll probably end up on the twelf h & i can tell you beforehand it -will- suck, or worse //i'm not quite sure what it will be but it will be horrible, let me tell ya(!) so what i don't want to be. /that's it, no punchline, i don't wanna be, i don't wanna exist at all, it's not worth it, as they say./

actually i've read some stuff about how life is worth living and all that, it was all bs, every single word was bs. does anybody actually live w/ happiness or is it just rich ppl who can afford that, also do ppl really think that if you like coffee you can't possibly kill yourself because you can't drink any good coffee once your dead? do they seriously think you gonna stay alive because of something that stupid? like yeah sure, once you're dead no coffee, but also no anything, you feel me? that's the objective. the ultimate goal. sounds magnificent, am i right? talking about this you may say: ha, but you're alive, aren't ya you pretentious asshole? true. but why? idk, honestly? im most probs too lazy to do so, it really takes great afford, you have to -do stuff- in order to achieve this ultimate goal and honestly?? sounds exhausting.

i haven't written anything in ages plus i'm starting to think i never will ever again. which is terrifying thought considering that it was always the only thing that ever made me happy /well not happy-commercial-on-coke-happy, but alright/ i actually think that that's the main reason why every day is so dull, because i don't enjoy anything anymore, at least no so much as i should, i mean there are things that i don't hate, but that's not enough? idk it's so close to the edge to think about this and once again googling fcking suicide songs like emo teenager wth is wrong w/ me? there we go once again, what's next, let me tell you i don't want to go back to the edgy emo thirteen y. o. am i better now? no, i'm just different, grumpy and old and everything hurts, it hurts to get up in the morning, it takes me twenty mins to dress, it takes me ages to go to make my bloody coffee, etc, i oversleep and then i can't sleep and then i oversleep obviously once again it's not like i didn't know this is not-ok(tm)

it's three months now, nobody bothered obviously i didn't either because what do i tell 'em? congrats on having a life? lol and the very thing i just now checked his instababble is the ultimate proof i should seek help. also since i have time to think (i can't recommend it) i struggle w/ things i though i knew about myself since i did the sillytestythingy; eight percent male gender and nineteen percent female gender, that means my gender is on twentyseven percenti do not think that's what would society approve of; anyways it explains a lot like the fact that i hatehatehate wearing skirts or dresses and shit and like not even mr arrogantcisgayknowsitall will ever make me think otherwise and same goes w/ the gooeymakeupyshit that is somehow expected from me to wear even though guys don't have to? im so angry all the time, but this makes me want to kill a guy, probs the arrogantknowitallprick i've mentioned earlier, i'm also bitter about this prick since he has better life opportunities that i could ever even dream of like?? not fair he barely speaks english? like i would deserve it so much more than him? low selfesteem where? back to gender shit. the thing is that eight and nineteen is so accurate it hurts because the results says androgynous but that does not fit, or does it? how would i know? but also both of those numbers are apparently -very low- which does not sound good, but that's not much of a problem because that is no exactly something that would directly affect my life.

this does though: here we go, my rosechampagneandshit orientation, i mean in theory yes, mr insta, but also i would probably die if that ever worked out, not that it ever had the slightest chance, i mean in like au or something like this, anyways not worth thinking about because literally imposible. now is it precedent or not? how would i know? nobody ever tried to tell me something nice? lol. so probs i shouldn't think about it too hard since it won't matter in the end, i mean nobody will ever try to flirt w/ me right? so why bother? i mean i'd like a gentlemanbestfriend, but that is also imposible(tm) realistically speaking i can only look forward to the ultimate solution and objective.