(no subject)

Tuesday, 25 October 2016 11:49
full offfence like maybe if you cared how i feel i wont hate you so much also maybe if you cared about anything else but money i wouldnt want to die all the time like im so scared and you just scream at me instead of saying something nice like you think youre helping me i bet you do think so you are the worthless one if you think im somehow worse because i dont have a fucking job what does it matter honestly and like you know that i dont give a shit about anything but youre saying it as if it was a character flaw instead of a symptom of depression like maybe if you stopped and think for one fucking second for once you would realise that im obviously mentally ill and i seriously need you to be supportive and shit but no all you care about is whether i make money because if i dont im worthless apparently well fuck you i issss ckv axchave more th an that to offer idk or maybe but anyway it would be if ou yy jsdofu ufcking tried to care about me instead aof everyone else and money and yourself like normal mother wouuld maybe incourage me and shit like that would be nice if someone told be everything will be alright instead of just yelling at me that im lazy and never want to do anyting as i you didnt know that this is not washat my life was meant to be i wanted to have a real job and go to juni and shit like everybody else i know and this is not fair and i dont give a shit if you think its not ikmportant because its importnat to me and all you care about is if i look fuckable and make money that's just so fucked up i cant believe you dont see it and yeah i pity myself but who else would do that for me noone gives i shit how i feel so i have to give a shit how i feel that just how it works, taht your favourite phrase isnt it? thats just how it works shut up well i d c that thats just how it works its wrong and you should be there for me but youre making it even worse i fell worse whenever i talk to you and that isnt how it sould be youre the one who should think about oneself and i mean you do you only think about yourself all the fucking time but you think your amazing and when you pity yourself its somehow alright but when i do im the worst alike explain to me how the fuck is that possible im scared and you should tell me things will be fine at the end and not telling me that my future doesnt matter you selfish bitch yeah you dont have to buy me pads when it bothers you so much who needs the interent as if youre never using it bitch like im not making victim of myself you treat me as shit stop pretending im the bad one in this and i see shit cause im crying and dont see anything this is horrible how did you manage to make me feel even worse you fukcing bitch go fuck ysourself did you ever even tried to care about me like you should have told me this shit wehen i was eleven you should have told me that go to the school is useless you should have toold me that youre not hgonna pay for my uni FUCKING EARLIEER you tolod me too late too late its nto my faulttaht you were lying to me stop pretending im the one whos doing everything wrogn and youre somehow good in aevery asxpcet that bullshipt and you fucking know it i hate you so muc hi just wished i had someone to talk to someone who would taell me things willl be okay someone whol would care wf im depressed someone who would listen and care and i want to kill myself and therse nobody to talk to?its insane theres should be sOME ONE
is it? could it be? about as real as south america, not until you see it, i suppose.
life is void and we are nothing but we are nothing but we are nothing BUT? there is no objection. there is just void. meaningless and we are trying to give it order, they say. but what kind of order is this? it is even more meaningless than the original void. money and things, nobody thinks before they speak. how is that any sort of order? i should talk to professionals, mother said. proffesionals who will send me to an institude to scream less loudly. to an institude to die more quietly. to an institude to be less powerfull as i can be. but they can make everything even worse. they can go deeper than hell. emptier than void. much worse than the original plan of the universe.

after ages i saw k. she was her usual self. very unlike me. i always have to pretend i'm like others, that i do things, that i fancy someone, that i think about my future, that i care, et cetera. she doesn't have to pretend. mostly talked about medi. as predicted. maybe even more than predicted. i was embarassing. she hugged me before leaving. i didn't feel anything. it scares me because i think i should feel something when ppl are hugging me. it should be reassuring or something like that, eh? but no. i was just standing there. she thinks she's special, she said i can do it for her, meaning the hug, but it's not like she gave me a choice, if she was a man i would be afraid of her, the fact is though that she probs thinks i find it annoying or awkward she probably thinks that i feel something and that's why i don't like hugging, but it's the rather opossite. maybe i am autistic after all. it would make sense. my whole life is one big stimming. i don't care about anything else. the thing i was worried about didnt come out as such an issue, i mean it was worse than i expected but i felt so empty than it didnt matter whatsoever and mother told me i was overdramatic because i was anxious but during the actual thing i didnt feel anything, looking on the piles of papers and horrible old rug and the awful sticky things old people are "decorationg" their windows with. the old woman i was talking to, ok she wasnt that old, but she was really dumb, i mean she was stupid as hell, i had to talk to her like to a four year old and if i didn't she acted like i was the stupid one, it was so annoying and mother told me i was overdramatic when i complained about this, like yes, i know you told me it is going to be demeaning but that was much more than just demeaning.

anyways the days are all alike and im not even reading anymore, i used to love it, at least i think so, and now its all mstrbtng and eating in fact, its not like i have to hear about thethingwedonttalkabout all the time, actually its really thethingidontwanttotalkabout than anything else.

in the end i guess, well i think that the mrx--st/tmblr_user is right and its kinda calming to know that, its actualy really calming, it maybe the best thing that have happened to me, much better than all the social interactions i have been pushed into, like the three days in a row thing that they have right now and k keeps ascing me to go but thats literally the silliest thing tm like why would i want to do that to cook by ourselves she shaid and be together before we leave to uni but the thing is, you see, that i_dontgotouni.jpg and that sucks.jgif like im gonna probs do some moanual now cause thats easiest to get and what if they wont let me do that i would have to go back to the dehumanizing station to tell them why the hell i dont participate in this postcapitalist nightmare and ill have to say it and i dont even have anything to say? lmao.png quite honestly last time they asked me if im gonna go to uni andlike her face what something between questionmark and like a wtf face at least i think so im not good at it, who am i kidding i didnt notice her expression at all, even though i stared directly at her, hello autism, where have you been, actually ive been here your ewhole life you just didnt bother to notice bitch come on!! .exe

is this helping me or am i doing this for the attention of the audience of noone if i did whould it change something nobody from the capitalist nightmare responded in the proper way, yeah and the mathythingy that made me lie so i was crying for like an hour or so or the thingthatmotherwantedmetopushinto .fcky[up]ou brb in hell(tm) let me enjoy my special interest again, let me enjoy reading, writing where did it go and will it ever come back or is it just the depression blowing from the rooftops of nothingness and she keeps talking about work helping but it wont im calling it out now shes still sthe samefckbitchbutivealready_talked about it_previously.sowhateverthefuck//

guilt tripping

Tuesday, 30 August 2016 13:33
like guilttripping me into what you want me to do is such bs like youre all tell me if you want to and then you kept saying i will go even though i dont want to and this is not about me like this is about you telling me im piece of shit when i don't have work cause apparently i'm worthless when i don't make money and like trying to guiltrip me into doing shit i dont want to and telling me its not polite not to go even though you did thing behind my back and didn't bother to inform me is the rudest shit ever but obv you wouldnt see that cause when you think its alright to call me piece of shit and threatening me and making me feel unsafe like if i dont make money than i cant live in this house and shit like that its not like its new you were saying this shit since i was like sixteen and then you were surprised that i feel unsafe and that im afraid i wont have anywhere to live but now youre back to the same old shit and maybe if you tried to care about me and how i feel for ten minutes and maybe if you started to care about me in general maybe than i wont be so lost and i would know what to do but when i told you how i felt increadibly intimate stuff about my depression you just said you didnt understand and in the next sec you told me i was making it up and that my feeling cant be real/because you said so?? its like youre not even trying to understand me because you dont want to hear that youre mad at my depression and not me and my autism and not me but obv you dont want to hear that no because im the bad one in this somehow even though youre doing this shit to me while calling me a piece of shit because i dont have a job like how does that make any sense do i worth for you only if i make money so you can take the money like why the hell did you even had a kid in the first place and like keep telling me im nothing and cant do shit and shut up because you dont go to work im?????? and youre not feeling what you said youre feeling because you laugh and you smile you just had a breakdown... i dont care about your shit either but you keep telling me but guess what i dont think youre worth anything when you treat me like that and than act like i was the one who is doing everything wrong and is therefore worthless and maybe youre the piece of shit because you cant bring yourself to be nice to me for no reason and im honestly done with your emotional manipulation cause youre pretending youre trying to understand me just to shout at me and calling me worthless again the moment i dont do what you want me to do well guess what im not the insane one here its not like i feel bad enough already you must keep getting it worse and you pretended that everythings gonna be alright and now youre threatring me about the exact same thing basically saying do what i want or you will suffer you cant even imagine how badly you will suffer if you wont do what im telling you to do and then you say to do whatever i wont and it goes all over again and i honestly dont know if youre doing it on purpose or not but i couldnt care less because you're just trying to make me feel even worse about myself than i already do so i just would do whatever the fuck you want me to and you could tell me that you were telling me from the start and when i would tell you i hate the job you would tell me i just think i do but i actually love it or some shit like that because you always do that always and i dont know what im gonna do but at least im not trying to guilttrip you into shit and also telling me that my depression will somehow dissapear once i have a job is bs and you fucking know it or maybe you dont but thats not the point, the point is that even though you keep saying ill feel better when i have a job you also keep telling me i dont actually feel bad and idk how does that make any sense to you whatsoever but youve never seem to have a problem with two things that condradict each other the only important thing for you is you and your opinion and money thats all you fucking care about and not me or my feelings or maybe the fact that i want to kill myself and you know it and i mention it all the time and the only thing you say is that im an idiot youre not even trying to make me feel better and honestly i have nowhere to go and you should care i mean you woudnt even care if i died would you you keep saying you love me but you dont if you loved me you would care more about me than about the money i make if you loved me you would care more about me wanting to kill myself than me not having a job if you loved me you would listen to me if you loved me you would care how i feel if you loved me you wont keep shouting at me and telling me im worthless and piece of shit and "thinking far too much about myself" because apparently i dont feel bad enough for you and im scared and i need help but the only thing you care about if i go to work and make money and thats just not enough ive been crying for hours now and you dont care and honestly its sad that there are ppl who seemed to care about me more than you even though they hardly knew me and if i werent stupid and said that i wanted to kill myself some teacher back at school i may have already get the help i need but because of the way you keep treating me i kept pushing myself and the feelings i have arent normal and its not ok i should feel better like why do you want me to feel miserable or do you just not care at all how i feel as far as ill give you money? if you at least stop pretending and stop telling me you love me you dont you fucking dont this is not love, you dont love me, you love just yourself and your precious money and yourself again
honestly it's far more realistic to have an imaginary relationship w/ constructed criticism on daily basis/uni au/contemporary rich posh/poetry n all that jazz etc than trying to built real stuff based basically on bullying phrases and offended facial expressions since that is actually how i communicate. it's a shame? yes. is it going to stop me? no fuckin way.

but the real(tm) problem is: /dramatic pause/ not having any personality whatsoever and let me tell you if you think this is borderline maybe you're right or i'm just borderline boring and mean, let's be real. so since i've got just one more or less functioning label it's pretty hard to keep going despite losing interest in every.single.bloody.thing.i've.ever.enjoyed. apart from staring into the blue light and pretending i'm feeling emotions apart from anxiety and disgust, which is pretty hard, considering i'm not usually entirely sure what i am supposed to feel.

and in this void i'm living in it's v depressing that i'm never gonna be/do/see the stuff i've daydreamed about ever since. and though it's not like i've ever believed it will actually happened, i guess i didn't think it through much and also i though it would be at least pretty close to the original objective, so you could say i props have the lowest iq you've ever seen in your life. i'm such a naive asshole it's astonishing. but anyways... i'll probably end up on the twelf h & i can tell you beforehand it -will- suck, or worse //i'm not quite sure what it will be but it will be horrible, let me tell ya(!) so what i don't want to be. /that's it, no punchline, i don't wanna be, i don't wanna exist at all, it's not worth it, as they say./

actually i've read some stuff about how life is worth living and all that, it was all bs, every single word was bs. does anybody actually live w/ happiness or is it just rich ppl who can afford that, also do ppl really think that if you like coffee you can't possibly kill yourself because you can't drink any good coffee once your dead? do they seriously think you gonna stay alive because of something that stupid? like yeah sure, once you're dead no coffee, but also no anything, you feel me? that's the objective. the ultimate goal. sounds magnificent, am i right? talking about this you may say: ha, but you're alive, aren't ya you pretentious asshole? true. but why? idk, honestly? im most probs too lazy to do so, it really takes great afford, you have to -do stuff- in order to achieve this ultimate goal and honestly?? sounds exhausting.

i haven't written anything in ages plus i'm starting to think i never will ever again. which is terrifying thought considering that it was always the only thing that ever made me happy /well not happy-commercial-on-coke-happy, but alright/ i actually think that that's the main reason why every day is so dull, because i don't enjoy anything anymore, at least no so much as i should, i mean there are things that i don't hate, but that's not enough? idk it's so close to the edge to think about this and once again googling fcking suicide songs like emo teenager wth is wrong w/ me? there we go once again, what's next, let me tell you i don't want to go back to the edgy emo thirteen y. o. am i better now? no, i'm just different, grumpy and old and everything hurts, it hurts to get up in the morning, it takes me twenty mins to dress, it takes me ages to go to make my bloody coffee, etc, i oversleep and then i can't sleep and then i oversleep obviously once again it's not like i didn't know this is not-ok(tm)

it's three months now, nobody bothered obviously i didn't either because what do i tell 'em? congrats on having a life? lol and the very thing i just now checked his instababble is the ultimate proof i should seek help. also since i have time to think (i can't recommend it) i struggle w/ things i though i knew about myself since i did the sillytestythingy; eight percent male gender and nineteen percent female gender, that means my gender is on twentyseven percenti do not think that's what would society approve of; anyways it explains a lot like the fact that i hatehatehate wearing skirts or dresses and shit and like not even mr arrogantcisgayknowsitall will ever make me think otherwise and same goes w/ the gooeymakeupyshit that is somehow expected from me to wear even though guys don't have to? im so angry all the time, but this makes me want to kill a guy, probs the arrogantknowitallprick i've mentioned earlier, i'm also bitter about this prick since he has better life opportunities that i could ever even dream of like?? not fair he barely speaks english? like i would deserve it so much more than him? low selfesteem where? back to gender shit. the thing is that eight and nineteen is so accurate it hurts because the results says androgynous but that does not fit, or does it? how would i know? but also both of those numbers are apparently -very low- which does not sound good, but that's not much of a problem because that is no exactly something that would directly affect my life.

this does though: here we go, my rosechampagneandshit orientation, i mean in theory yes, mr insta, but also i would probably die if that ever worked out, not that it ever had the slightest chance, i mean in like au or something like this, anyways not worth thinking about because literally imposible. now is it precedent or not? how would i know? nobody ever tried to tell me something nice? lol. so probs i shouldn't think about it too hard since it won't matter in the end, i mean nobody will ever try to flirt w/ me right? so why bother? i mean i'd like a gentlemanbestfriend, but that is also imposible(tm) realistically speaking i can only look forward to the ultimate solution and objective.


Tuesday, 26 July 2016 14:37
what is real/ly annoying though is my /pre-suicidal/ depression, which is closer to depersonalization-apathy-laziness-crazy-summer-mix. so there. even though i have to find the thing-we-dont-talk-about i'm not even trying. as in: why, it'll be useless anyways since exper. zero and streng. zero and thingstooffer zero, idek. and since the real(tm) problem is me, myself and i it's not even as if they got to give me a chance/opportunity/alternative reality to live in; anyways daydreaming goes good i suppose and the s4 looks good i mean idk yet but teaser is good yeah...

talking about teasing mr dodidooyouknowwho seems to be too busy to be on social media which makes me more nervous than anything else tbh / kinda sad considering i've got real things to deal w/ just yesterday that alcoholic bullshitery like ever, it's so bad even ma agrees w/ me & now i accidently watched a bit of house-acephobic ep; so why do i even care 'bout mr iwonteverseeuagain what the actual hell is the matter w/ me? that is the question, whether tis nobler to have a shitty thingwedonttalkabout or die in gutter or whatevs

also my spend a penny issue doesn't seem to be making much sense since there is no reason to have it and yet? i suspect my body is trying to die just as hard as my soul does that's why the teeth went to shit (i'm gonna have to go to deal w/ it i'm embarrassed beforehand) and also my so called face and also i didnt wash my hair for like three centuries but that's the dep(tm)shit i guess

my freelicencelifestyle does not work, i repeat, does not, i haven't written anything for so long i dont remember the last time i think my will to live has extincted, im just starring at the screen-im not even reading anymore like idk if this is dep(tm) or just idleness either way it sucks since im not productive in any creative way whatsoever so who cares if my body is shutting down and my life goes to hell; no wonder im slowly giving up

October 2016

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